Wednesday, June 18, 2008


I don't care what consenting adult you fuck or marry, what drugs you take or what you do with your fetuses, as long as I don't have to pay for it

-Lavi D.

Recently on NPR, some religious zealot who is upset about California's Supreme Court's decision concerning same-sex marriage was recorded as saying words to this effect:

"Our jobs are going overseas. God is upset with America!"

The absurdity of this statement is beyond comprehension. In face of such rampant delusion, I direct you to the following, Twelve Reasons Same-Sex Marriage will Destroy Society

  1. Homosexuality is not natural, much like red hair, 100-year-old-people and Yao Ming are not natural.*

  2. Heterosexual marriages are valid because they produce children. Infertile couples and old people cannot get legally married because the world needs more children.

  3. Obviously gay parents will raise gay children because straight parents only raise straight children.

  4. Straight marriage will be less meaningful, since Britney Spears's 55-hour just-for-fun marriage was meaningful.

  5. Heterosexual marriage has been around for a long time, and it hasn't changed at all: women are property, Blacks can't marry Whites, and divorce is illegal.

  6. Gay marriage should be decided by the people, not the courts, because the majority-elected legislatures, not courts, have historically protected the rights of minorities.

  7. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are always imposed on the entire country. That's why we only have one religion in America.

  8. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people makes you tall.

  9. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage license.

  10. Children can never succeed without both male and female role models at home. That's why single parents are forbidden to raise children.

  11. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society. Heterosexual marriage has been around for a long time, and we could never adapt to new social norms because we haven't adapted to cars or longer lifespans.

  12. Civil unions, providing most of the same benefits as marriage with a different name are better, because a "separate but equal" institution is always constitutional. Separate schools for African-Americans worked just as well as separate marriages will for gays & lesbians.

*I changed this one.


D said...

Though it's not furst, I like #10 the best. When a couple gets divorced we kill the children (presumably only the minor children).

Gives a whole new slant for "doing it for the children."

The easy solution, and it plays squarely with the Lavi Manifesto, is to do away with any sort of State granted marriage benefit - since if there's a "benefit" it has to come from somewhere and somebody has to pay for it.
Anyone can live with anyone; play house, play doctor, play mumbly peg for all I care, and call your happy union whatever you want (marriage, tribe, pack, coven, etc) - but as soon as the State conveys any official distinction with any accrued benefit to members of one group over another - then there must be a compelling reason, something provably essential to the continued existence of the State, not simply a vision from an opium binge or something as nonsensical as "for the good of the children" or "yahweh told us to."

The_Scum said...

I'm tired of paying for other people to be societal fuckups.

However we seem to have hit the point where the fucking up masses realize they can influence government to sieze money from the productive and give it to the fuckups so they can continue fucking up with a higher quality of living.

However, I have no choice and little influence to change the government.

So, I indeed support Lavi's manifesto.

Fursts have been a bitch to get lately.

D said...

I suspect that the percentage of homosexual couples that are crappy parents is much lower than the crappy parent rate for hetero couples. If only because they have to try so hard, or because the gay gene actually imbues them with good parenting, or if Loki the joker god is making it up to them.

Rock Candy said...

Hey at least now I know I have an alternative!!! w00t!

The_Scum said...

Without fuel they were nothing. They built a house of straw. The thundering machines sputtered and stopped. Their leaders talked and talked and talked. But nothing could stem the avalanche. Their world crumbled. The cities exploded. A whirlwind of looting, a firestorm of fear. Men began to feed on men.

On the roads it was a white line nightmare. Only those mobile enough to scavenge, brutal enough to pillage would survive. The gangs took over the highways, ready to wage war for a tank of juice. And in this maelstrom of decay, ordinary men were battered and smashed.

Except for one man armed with an AK-47, and a Honda full of silver.

The_Scum said...

Just walk away.

Give me the pump, the oil, the gasoline and the whole compound and I'll spare your lives.

Just walk away. I will give you safe passage in the wasteland. Just walk away and there will be an end to the horror.

Lavi D. said...

Just walk away.

Road Warrior?

D said...

Scum sez: Just walk away.
Lavi asks: Road Warrior?

No movie this, but a scene at your local Kum-n-Go gas station as petrol nears $5/gal and the thin veneer of civilization is peeled back.
Maybe Tom Hobbes was right about a State of Nature, but he never had to face squalling children, a hag wife, and the prospect of filling the Gas Hawg SUV on the way WalMart.

Lavi D. said... petrol nears $5/gal and the thin veneer of civilization is peeled back.

I think it's interesting that we have $4.50/gal gas and no gas lines.

Remember gas lines?

"...the retail price of a gallon of gasoline rose from a national average of 38.5 cents in May 1973 to 55.1 cents in June 1974."


The_Scum said...

The popular internet meme is that MILF soccer Mom's will be giving $10 blowjobs at gas stations to fill up their SUV to take spawn Misty and Trevor to practice.

I don't think we're there yet but when we are....tell me which gas stations.

Yes, from the Road Warrior "Lord Humungous' Speech" in the last minute. the Kid throws a mean boomerang.

Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels start closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the music at top volume and at least a pint of ether.

-Hunter S. Thompson

Dedicated to the other side of Las Vegas, namely; the sprawling, mad, incoherent underpinnings of the world's favorite destination.

That, and the occasional ranting about nothing in particular.