Thursday, August 9, 2007


Tits.   Cans, cantaloupes, headlights, knockers, coconuts, tweeters, boulders, berthas, muffins, puppies, hooters, melons, tatas, boobs, jugs, tits.

Guys - if I may speak here - Tits, we love 'em.   We get inspired by the sight of them.   We check 'em out, we sometimes follow them around, we point them out, we describe them to each other.   It is every heterosexual, non-right-wing-Christian male's pure desire to fondle them (attached to an accomodating female) as often as possible.   They are the adult equivalent of childhood's toys for boys.

But did you ever stop to wonder, why the attraction?   After all, we are talking about bags of mostly fat, hanging off a human body.  Think about that a moment.   Tick...   Tick...   Tick...   Bags of fat, hanging off the human body.   What other places on the human body would suspended bags of fat be considered attractive?   Not many.   Imagine, if you will, a couple of 2lb lumps of flesh hanging off Natalie Portman's elbows...  

Yeah, I know, now you have to go wash your brain.   Sorry about that.

Back?   Okay, to continue, plenty of guys have tits as well, and there are some seriously over-large women with stupendous tits, mammoth tits.   I don't see dudes hanging out of car windows getting a second look at either of those.

And really, in the grand scheme of things, what are tits good for?   Oh yeah, you can play humps and ladder with them for a while, but that's not really where any of us want to finish, right?   Right?   And yeah, they make clothes look good, but their real and only function in life is to suckle infants.   That's it.   They are utility organs, and, wait for it... not really necessary for sex!   (Just in case you didn't know)

So here it is.   This is my theory.   Tits are teasers for sex.   You know when you smell bread being baked or meat being grilled, and your sub-brain kicks in and tells you, "Hey, we might get to eat!", and you immediately get hungry?

Well, when we see miracle-bra'd fleshbags, full of fat, in the right places and the preferred proportions, that very same sub-brain starts screaming, "HEY, WE MIGHT GET LAID!!!"

And we immediately get, uh, hungry.

...heaven forbid we see nipple, or cleavage even.   Sigh.   We are so owned.


The_Scum said...

You left out 'titty fucking'.

Lavi D. said...

That was the "humps and ladder" thing.

Sheesh, c'mon, I'm trying to be a bit euphemistic here, for Chrissakes!

The_Scum said...

"Oh yeah, you can play humps and ladder with them for a while, but that's not really where any of us want to finish, right? Right? "

I don't necesarily agree with this statement.

The mouth is just a neckbend away for a motivated partner.

vinnymoe said...

What, do you need a thesaurus as bad as I do a dictionary? You got a problem whith fun bags,bad boys,dick guides,boys,girls,jigglers,rack,bouncers,mamms,mammas,mounds,bazoombas, pendulus orbs,bigguns,bombs,floatation devices,,milk bags,sweater meat,(fo-playaz,breastes',squeeze - for the hip hop crowd),pointers,bra boys, marsh-mellowy goodness,(ok I made that last one up) peaches & cute little titties (they try harder).

Humps & ladders,good.Neck bend,cool.As far as where to finish goes; if your going for the money shot,do it on the first go-round & you better be under 35 +/-,would't want to cum up short on the bill.
Lastly,Lavi, I think I could get used to the "casabas" just below the shoulder blades.

vinnymoe said...

Sir, I demand you reveal your sourses for this disturbing bit of pandering. explicitly the sites where I can, review the, used in this piece.
You bastich!

Anonymous said...

You are warned, this way lies madness.

Two things to remember:

1. Do not pay for porn on the internet, ever! There is way too much free shit out there.

2. Do not keep this stuff on your company's computer! Put it on a thumbdrive. Otherwise, your IT guy will find it!

Kind Girls


Post Your Girls

May Flying Spaghetti Monster have mercy on your soul.

Lavi D. said...

The mouth is just a neckbend away for a motivated partner.

Sorry, I led you off the point, Scum.   Yes, "finishing" in an orifice or just about any body part attached to a woman is infinitely better than gettin' it done by hand.

My point is, why do bags of flesh have so much control over us guys?   It's not (I hope) because we love bags of flesh.   My theory is it means that the sight of these particular bags of flesh is inseperable - to our "lizard" brain - from the possibility of sex.

Rrramone said...

Hmmmm, very thought provoking. I saw your comment at IFN and had to come check it out. ;-)

Dan said...

I'm also over from IFN and I have to respectfully disagree. The thought of Natalie Portman with two pound tits hanging off her elbows is very hot.

I had a friend once who theorized that an evolutionary advantage of funbags was that it enticed men to turn women over and copulate with them from the front, thus reinforcing the image of their faces, promoting monogamy, and encouraging them to defend their offspring. But I think that's bullshit because they're fun to play with from behind too.

or when hanging off the elbows. what a great image. I think my next painting is going to be one of Natalie Portman with elbow boobs pulling Mike Tyson in a little red wagon.

Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels start closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the music at top volume and at least a pint of ether.

-Hunter S. Thompson

Dedicated to the other side of Las Vegas, namely; the sprawling, mad, incoherent underpinnings of the world's favorite destination.

That, and the occasional ranting about nothing in particular.