Titillation

Tits.   Cans, cantaloupes, headlights, knockers, coconuts, tweeters, boulders, berthas, muffins, puppies, hooters, melons, tatas, boobs, jugs, tits.

Guys - if I may speak here - Tits, we love 'em.   We get inspired by the sight of them.   We check 'em out, we sometimes follow them around, we point them out, we describe them to each other.   It is every heterosexual, non-right-wing-Christian male's pure desire to fondle them (attached to an accomodating female) as often as possible.   They are the adult equivalent of childhood's toys for boys.

But did you ever stop to wonder, why the attraction?   After all, we are talking about bags of mostly fat, hanging off a human body.  Think about that a moment.   Tick...   Tick...   Tick...   Bags of fat, hanging off the human body.   What other places on the human body would suspended bags of fat be considered attractive?   Not many.   Imagine, if you will, a couple of 2lb lumps of flesh hanging off Natalie Portman's elbows...  

Yeah, I know, now you have to go wash your brain.   Sorry about that.

Back?   Okay, to continue, plenty of guys have tits as well, and there are some seriously over-large women with stupendous tits, mammoth tits.   I don't see dudes hanging out of car windows getting a second look at either of those.

And really, in the grand scheme of things, what are tits good for?   Oh yeah, you can play humps and ladder with them for a while, but that's not really where any of us want to finish, right?   Right?   And yeah, they make clothes look good, but their real and only function in life is to suckle infants.   That's it.   They are utility organs, and, wait for it... not really necessary for sex!   (Just in case you didn't know)

So here it is.   This is my theory.   Tits are teasers for sex.   You know when you smell bread being baked or meat being grilled, and your sub-brain kicks in and tells you, "Hey, we might get to eat!", and you immediately get hungry?

Well, when we see miracle-bra'd fleshbags, full of fat, in the right places and the preferred proportions, that very same sub-brain starts screaming, "HEY, WE MIGHT GET LAID!!!"

And we immediately get, uh, hungry.

...heaven forbid we see nipple, or cleavage even.   Sigh.   We are so owned.

Stop the Asses

...er, presses.

Just a newsrack outside the neighborhood mall, right?



Take a closer look.



"Get back in the car Junior! Now!"

Right Wing Strippers

The other day I posted about the fact that you can get a slick, glossy, medium-x porno mag for free in greater Las Vegas.

Well, it turns out this publication has a peculiar bent.   And I'm not talking kinky.

I spent a little more time reviewing the current issue (just reading the articles!) and discovered something pretty amazing.

There is a two-page section on politics in the May issue, penned by Jeff Alexander.



Jeff mentions that he is a moderate conservative.   All well and good.   But the interesting thing about this is why the management of Strip would choose a right-leaning columnist for the type of publication that historically owes its very existence to lefty institutions such as the ACLU, People for the American Way and Americans United for Separation of Church and State and, most ironically, to people like Larry Flynt.

It's remarkable that a porno mag about strip clubs would feel better off siding with the political party most closely associated with organizations like Focus on the Family, Christian Coalition and the Family Research Council.

You see, assuming all of the items in the section are written by Jeff, then he's a long ways away from being a "moderate".   Despite the fact that the US is currently struggling with arguably the most intractable presidential administration in history; an administration with troubling interpretations of the Constitution, and stuck in a war started on tragically weak evidence, what are his items of interest?

Nit-picking Al Gore over global-warming and bashing the Clintons.

I kid you not.

Not one word about, oh, say Alberto Gonzales, DeLay, Abramoff, Plame, Katrina, Cunningham, Abu Ghraib, illegal wire-tapping and, most importantly for a magazine like this, the war on unmarried sex.

You'd think Strip would more quickly associate itself with the president who got a little action on the side in the White House, rather than the one who believes that God tells him what to do.   (Perhaps I missed the part of the Bible which says that ogling strippers and nekkid wimmen in magazines is OK, as long as you don't cheat on your wife?)

Not only that, but the Bush administration, through the Dept. of Justice, is "cracking down" on pornography obscenity.

This must be a difficult line to toe for the magazine's publisher.   It seems to indicate that their desired demographic is aligned with the political group most bent on their elimination.

I must point out that I have only read this section in one issue. If I can pick up another copy next month, I'll check and see if they give equal time to a moderate liberal.

To read the rest of the "political" section, you'll have to pick up the mag at Lee's Discount Liquor (I've only seen it at the Rancho location).   I don't know if the political section is available online, because the site which is the magazine's home, charges for access.   (Pick up a free mag and then pay for access to a website - that, in itself, is an interesting experiment in new media)

Only in Las Vegas

This is the cover of an honest-to-goodness porno mag available in Las Vegas.   The remarkable thing about it... it's absolutely free.



Well, maybe not absolutely free.   You still need gas money to get to the Lee's Liquor on Rancho, and, depending on where you live, that could cost you more than picking up a nudie mag at the local... where do they sell nudie mags nowadays?   Anyway, I have not seen Strip in any other "free" mag rack where you find the likes of 944, City Life and The Las Vegas Weekly.

This is no wimpy Playboy/Penthousey clone, this is a full-on, X-and-a-half rag.   We're talking chick-on-chick action and full, um "spreads".   No erect members, but a fair amount of pink.   So that puts it somewhere below (depending on how you rank these things) Playboy - on the Hustler level - but somewhere above the "Big Richard, Tiny Cats" rags, if you get my drift.

Actually, for a medium-core porn mag, it makes a decent effort to cover local events and businesses which might be of interest to the members and clientele of the LV strip scene.   In other words, they're attempting to do a straight-up (heh) job of covering the entire bad-boy, lost-weekend, bachelor-party thing for which Vegas is known.

Schwing!