Monday, February 18, 2008

Faith-Based Interrogation

In light of America's inexorable drift away from knowledge and science towards mysticism and religion along with a general confusion amongst the government and public as to what constitutes torture, La Vida Vegas International is proud to present Magic Dick's Periodic Table of Torture Elements.

Combining the best of both worlds - scientific taxonomy and good old-fashioned alchemy, this table lays out the tortures most in line with centuries-old, faith-based initiatives.


D said...

and we can have:

Parole Board
Particle Board
Emery Board

and by the way; 1st!

The_Scum said...

Fartboarding. Previously known as 'dutch oven' or 'covered wagon'.

Second damnit.

The_Scum said...

Could be called gasboarding if fart is unacceptably rude.

Black Heart Candle said...

Don't forget the tied to the bed torture.

D said...

BHC said: "Don't forget the tied to the bed torture."

Would that be a 'Head Board'?

Lavi D. said...

Would that be a 'Head Board'?

Oh man, I thought fartboarding was funny until I read that.

Paroleboarding - Subject is repeatedly forced to justify to a panel of bureuacrats why he should be released until the frustration level causes near-death by paralysis of the logic centers of the brain.

Particleboarding - Subject is taken to a large scientific facility and suspended in the core of an atom-smasher and told that he will be bombarded with anti-matter particles until he disintegrates (or turns gay).

Emeryboarding - Subject is given manicures by Madge the Manicurist who goes on and on about the slow painful death provided by sustained contact with mercury all the while reminding the subject that, "You're soaking in it"

Oh. I can't go on. Break time's over. Someone finish up for me here.


Lavi D. said...

Okay, one more:

Headboarding - Assuming subject is male and devoutly Islamic, he is tied to a bed naked while attractive women dance and strip seductively.   If he yields to temptation and lets one of them mount him, the subsequent guilt from his religious values coupled with the erotic feeling of his head bouncing off the headboard will cause near death from spiritual implosion.

Anonymous said...

Ummmm.... If volunteers are needed for the Headboarding test, I'd like to throw my name into the hat.

Also, how about Skateboarding, Wakeboarding, and Fenceboarding?

Rock Candy said...

BibleThump Boarding:
Subject is forced to listen to members of The Door, Assembly of God or other fanatical religious group. They will read him scriptures, twist the meanings to mean God hates everyone but (insert religious group), They will be yelled at to find God or rot in hell. Possible side effects include: being slain in the spirit, speaking in tongues and arms being stuck in the 'up' position while shouting AMEN!

Flat Boarding:
Suspect is subjected to extremely flat chested females who parade around naked and dare them to determine front from back while blindfolded.

TS message boarding:
Make subject read page after page of advertisements by Transexuals bragging about sexual exploits, looking for sugar daddies and toturing suspect with such phrases as "I have a 9 in dick and 38C breasts".

Black Heart Candle said...

Yes, it would be 'headboarding'.

Give me that kind of torture anyday!

vinnymoe said...

How about BOARD Boading?

Smack Rhugburn Ali Salukmi upside the head With a 2 x 6 until he gives up what he knows.

Yeah I know ,I'm the odd man out.

Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels start closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the music at top volume and at least a pint of ether.

-Hunter S. Thompson

Dedicated to the other side of Las Vegas, namely; the sprawling, mad, incoherent underpinnings of the world's favorite destination.

That, and the occasional ranting about nothing in particular.